Learning Feminism

May 19, 2009

Disentangling Myself

Filed under: Uncategorized — Joce Claire @ 1:48 pm
Tags: , ,

I’m at the point in my feminism where I’m realizing how fucked up my life is and that I’m going to have to change it. A lot. I’m much, much, much, much too tangling up in men. It’s completely unacceptable.

Case in point: Three different men have keys to my apartment. Two ex-boyfriends and a neighbor.

With the most recent ex, I asked for the key back several months ago, but he got all sad and didn’t want to and I just couldn’t bear to make him sad oh gosh no. The less recent ex was abusive and a rapist and generally has no respect for people’s privacy. The neighbor is an alcoholic and likes to let himself in and help himself to my reserves of vodka and wine.

Obviously the situation I am in is ridiculous and dangerous. So I’m thinking to go to Lowe’s and get new locks for my door. I’ve already emotionally distanced myself from most of my male friends, so this is the next step to separatism. 

This all is highly embarrassing, but no one is born a radical feminist, and I’m sure you ladies had to disentangle yourselves from the mens at some point too.

How did you begin to separate yourself? What changes did you make to your lives? Any tips, advice, stories, etc. are very welcome! This is just the beginning.



  1. Hey, you sound like you’re on the right track! Get those locks changed and give your closest, most reliable female neighbor or friend a copy! Someone who you can count on.

    My separatism has been 10+ years in the making. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, men have ZERO interest in my separatist ass. Actually, they might like the ass, but they fear the mind. So they stay away once my mouth starts running. It was a gradual process, allowing relationships to fade away and not seeking new ones… Personally, I am not a militant separatist. I still love my father and brother (though I continue to regard their world views with some suspicion). And I don’t ADORE all women–some of them are downright mean. I still believe in making case-by-case evaluations of individuals (though men NEVER get past the acquaintance stage of screening). And really, I believe that lasting separatism is best established with time and constant vigilance against male privilege and unequal dynamics. MORE POWER TO YOU, SISTER!!

    Comment by undercoverpunk — May 20, 2009 @ 12:59 pm | Reply

  2. Agreed with the comment above, new locks.

    Typical male behavior is a one-up narcissism; it works best in detaching from a narcissist/man to leave a man entirely alone (no longer being a source of narcissistic supply for him) once the relationship is not working for you. The relationships you’ve described, not for you, and your online friends support you in taking the steps away to your own development of creative joy.

    Recently a male professor at the University of Georgia killed his estranged wife and her male friends who were all local theater thespians. He then disappeared into the woods (his body later found). Everybody identified him as mild-mannered beforehand, the ole “wouldn’t hurt a fly” lie. He was a white guy with no history of violence, but no consolation to her that he also offed himself. A few years ago while I lived in LA there was a spate of similar wife murders in LA by men, covered in the local paper, not by the national press. The husbands usually killed their children, too, then themselves. The local smokescreen stated as a rationale for keeping a lid on the numbers of male murder-suicides was that the men’s Korean origin would make undue national media coverage appear to be racist. Giving women the true facts about the truth of male violence against women, apparently not important.

    Whatever the reason theorized, national press in the U.S. rarely covers the commonplace male violence against women once close to them (or who are trying to leave, or who happened to encounter the football team looking for a rapist time) — because to do so would alert women to how commonplace male violence really is — while national press revels in those relatively rare occasions when an overstressed mother without social support snaps and kills a son, that most precious blood in patriarchy.

    The answer is not fear, but knowledge and total separation from specific men once you no longer want to give them what they want. Being away, out of sight and out of mind, usually means being safe. The point to this news review is: Change your locks and disengage, no contact being your best safety strategy for freeing up to live your own life. As antidote to loneliness, make Mother Earth your partner wherever you can find Her unfettered (even a park, a few trees, whatever you have nearby). And may your lucky stars bless you, and bless us all who seek a sane, caring world of whole people.

    Comment by Jude — May 23, 2009 @ 4:33 pm | Reply

  3. Bless you on your path to reclaiming yourself from males and maleness. I echo what Jude says above about Mother Earth. It’s hard trying to relate even to human females at this point in female-hating HIStory. If you can manage a female cat or dog in your life, that will help.

    And enjoy your self, eh? There is a treasure trove of beauty, complexity, and companionship within.

    Comment by Mary Sunshine — May 25, 2009 @ 12:59 am | Reply

  4. Hi joceclaire, wanted to thank you for your recent support and give some back.

    Changing your locks is a great idea. Preparing yourself for the reactions to that from the people who are used to having unrestricted access is another good idea. They won’t like it. You’ll have to be strong to not give in to their attempts to coerce, manipulate etc. you into restoring the situation to one that benefits them.

    Separatism is a slow process, and necessarily an incomplete one. IMHO, each woman has to make her own decisions about if, when and how to end particular relationships with men. I still have a relationship with my father, if a distant and intermittent one, and I AM a militant separatist by anyone’s standards. I also don’t think you’re required to love all women — you’re just required to want women’s freedom from male supremacy. And it’s clear you want that.

    The easiest way to not have relationships with men is to fill your life with women you do love. That’s what it’s really about, after all — not hating men, loving women. We’re taught to see our women friends as secondary, but we can decide to see them as primary and to revel and delight in them (when we’re not arguing about things we agree on). That’s what I did, anyway.

    Good luck!

    Comment by Amy's Brain Today — June 5, 2009 @ 9:28 am | Reply

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